(Heavy Sigh)

I apologize for having to keep coming back to this issue. . .but I still need to talk about touch. For those of you who don't know, I've been in therapy with my t for several years. During that time, I've always felt the need, when I'm in great emotional pain, for my t to give me a reassuring hug. I told her and told her this many times, usually in emails, but we've also talked about it in person probably 3 or 4 times. Anyway, I feel that I've "talked it to death" with her. Because she never initiated a hug or asked if I wanted one (even after I'd told her many times that I need one and why), I concluded that she didn't want to do it, which hurt my feelings greatly.

I've asked her before why she didn't seem to want to hug me. One time she said she hesitated to hug me because she feared I'd self-harm (not sure why she felt this way). Another time, she shared a quote with me about how physical touch in therapy can cause the trauma issues to come out and intensify (or something like that). Still, as time went on, I continued to feel like I needed physical comfort during times when trauma processing would become too painful for me. Without it, I felt like there was no rescue from the pain or way to tolerate it. In fact, after an intensely painful session, I would end up feeling traumatized. . .just like I did as a child at home when i would be suffering and my mom would not acknowledge or do anything to help stop it. It was a terrible feeling, and I finally told her I don't want to do any more trauma processing at all unless she can provide enough comfort to make the pain endurable. Otherwise, I don't want to get deeply into anything. It is just way too hard, period.

When I've said this to her, she has acknowledged my need for physical comfort and said that she would provide a hug if needed. But still, when I'd get into that painful place, she still did not offer! For some reason, I have never been able to ask for a hug, and I told her I couldn't ask. So I hoped she'd offer, but she didn't. Eventually, she did pat my back once and hold my hand, and it helped alot. I handled it fine and really felt like things were starting to work with us. With the comfort, I felt able to tolerate more of the pain. However, since then, she has stopped offering a hug again. I just can't understand why she holds back.

Last week, I talked to her again about it. I told her that I feel like, because I'm a victim of SA, that there must be something awful or bad about me, that she is afraid to even touch me. She says that is not true, that she does not feel that way.

I do admit that I have a painful conflict inside about hugs. Part of me desperately wants and needs this comfort, but another part of me is afraid. Still, I do not think the fear is about my t, it is just the fight-or-flight body reaction that happens because of how touch has been misused in the past with my abuse. I want so much to learn that safe touch is OK, and I think that if my t would just work with me on this, then the pounding heart and scary feelings would fade away as I learned that I could get comfort and nothing bad would happen. But i feel like I'm pulling teeth trying to get my t to work with me on this.

Recently, I got overwhelmed with pain again during a session, and as usual, t didn't offer a hug. When I asked her why, she said that it hadn't even come to her mind to offer one. She said I seemed to be handling the pain OK. She also said that, while she has made it clear that she is willing to hug me or hold my hand if needed, the few times she has offered me a hug, I seemed not to want one. Strangely, I don't remember her ever offering me one. I can't imagine that I'd ever forget something like that, so I don't know which one of us is wrong.

T ended the session last week by encouraging me to take a risk and ask for a hug next time I need one. But I don't think I can. I feel like by now, I've made too big of an issue about it, and that if t had really wanted to comfort me, she would have done it. For her to hug me now feels like I am "making" her do it against her will, but like she doesn't really want to do it. I wouldn't find any comfort in that at all. I feel frustrated and like I should just drop the subject of physical comfort entirely. But it really feels inside like I need it to heal.

I don't know what to do. . .