So I've had a pretty checkered past, been in the psych hospital twice - addicted to drugs and alcohol, bulimic, clinically depressed, self injurious, PTSD, on meds for most of my adult life. I have my life in order now for the most part - great husband, good job, plans for the future. I keep falling into this trap - I'm better now, I don't need any help. I haven't been on meds for about three years. I'm not near as bad as I was and have an easier time coping and dealing with issues than I used to. However, that black cloud seems like its coming down again. I am by turns anxious and depressed, most of all overwhelmed. I don't want to go back on medication. Doesn't anyone just get better? Why when your external life is in order does it feel like things suddenly start to go wrong in your brain? Why can't I just be happy when I have things in my life that make me happy? Why can't I focus on the present? Iam always thinking that something else will make me happy, that I need more. But I don't want more. I just want to be happy and fulfilled right now.

Sorry such a rant. I am doing much better, that is what is so frustrating. In my black and white world, if I'm not so bad I need to be hospitalized, then I don't think anything is wrong with me. I can't see the gray.