ARG - it just ate my long reply.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, Peaches, that I really relate to a lot of what you've said. I have felt similiar things almost word for word in therapy before. For me, it was more about verbal reassurance than touch, but it was probably the most difficult time I've had in therapy. I know it's frustrating and that it hurts a lot.

What stands out for me in what you wrote (the quotes) is your wish for your T to feel something towards you, and it sounds to me like touch is symbolic fo that for you. And when she doesn't provide that reassurance, you start to imagine that it means she doesn't want to/is feeling something negative. That part I definitely relate to. (I could be totally off here, so feel free to disregard if that is the case...that's just how the quotes read to me.)

I don't know what the answers are. Maybe your T is genuinely not comfortable with using touch, and that is the cause of her hesitation? And yet, she she has offered it to some degree to meet your stated needs...that sounds pretty caring. Maybe touch is one of those things that will never be completely satisfied in therapy and it's something you could work on outside of therapy too??

All I know is that I've been there. I've felt extremely upset about it and rejected and like I wanted to quit therapy over it. And yet, somehow we got through it. I'm in a really good place in therapy right now. Right now, I just don't feel like I need so much from her, it doesn't feel so urgent. I think of all the nice things she's done along the way to show me that she cares, and I just don't feel so focused on what she hasn't done/can't give me. It's a real switch for me, let me tell you, and I hope it lasts, but it's a lot more pleasant. It sounds like your T is caring too and I hope you can continue to work through this with her and find some peace in your therapy, too.