I just realized why the subject of touch is raring up inside me again. I went to a spiritual convention over the weekend, and I saw one of my former friends, who was like a mother to me (not the one that kept my writings). We were close for 15 years, and because there is a 30-year age difference, it seemed OK to have a sort of mother/daughter component to it. Well anyway, I lost her friendship at the same time I lost the other friend. (They teamed up together to "straighten me out.") Anyway, as I've written before, it has been a very, very painful thing for me to come to grips with (losing them both as friends), and I've never really had any closure.

Well, this weekend, at the convention, I saw her talking to my mother-in-law. It was really hard for me to stay away because I'd heard that she was looking for me, and, having been so close with her before, there's a part of me that really misses the relationship with her. But I stayed away because I know that her controllingness and how she overstepped my boundaries before really hurt me. So in a way, i know it was not a healthy relationship. But still, she seemed to really love me and care about me. She told my mother-in-law once that i had been like a daughter to her.

Well so, I avoided her at the convention. Once I saw her walk away from my mother-in-law, I went back to my sit. My mother-in-law told me she had said, "Peaches is avoiding me. I'm going to give her a big hug whether she wants me to or not." So, a part of me knows she still cares and that i could have a relationship with her again if i really wanted to.

Anyway, this whole thing plays into what's going on with my t right now. It's so confusing. On the one hand, there's this friend who was in my "real life," cares about me, and wants to hug me. But from what t has told me, it is not a healthy relationship. So I avoided her finding me and hugging me.

On the other hand, there's my t who I want to hug me, and she doesn't want to do it. She might care about me, but she can't be my friend and is not going to stay in my life.

It seems like if I need a nurturing relationship so much, and t is resistant, and my friend is not, then maybe i would be better off to resume my relationship with my friend. then again, i know she really hurt me.

i am so confused.