Today I went to my mom's grave for the first time in over a year. I went with my mamaw to put flowers on her grave. I have been feeling just lain strange since then. I still find it hard to belive she is actually gone. I stared at her stone and her picture and name for a while. It just brings back so many bad memories of when she was sick. That's when all of my issues began, while she was sick. And her death made them worse. I guess I am still grieving her. Although it has been almost 6 years since her passing. It was just traumatic anyway the way she died. I remember she was laying there and they had just found out she had too many tumors to remove safetly and she had about 50 staples and over 200 stitches in her abdomen area. And feces came out of the staples and stiches. The nurse did'nt come when we rang her so I cleaned it up myself. My mom was soo tiny after the radiation she only weighed 86 lbs. and she was weak and bald and she looked scary but my heart broke everytime i had to get her up to be washed off or go to the restroom. She would speak to my poppy who had died just months before her. And she would swear he was standing next to her (he probably was). I have been having nightmares about the manner in which she died. And i feel bad because I should'nt be afraid of Mom. But i get scared and somtimes i smell the smells from the hospital. And ever since thi morning I can not get her out of my mind. Mabye I might still be grieving. i did'nt cry the whole time she was sick or at her funeral. Mabye that's whats wrong with me. I'm just very sad right now