We had a really good session.
I was so afraid I had tipped the scale with my phone messages, my comment that therapy seemed superficial, accusing her of hearing my message but not calling .
I was so embarrassed I didn't think I could go. It was her phone message to me that made it possible to go ahead and go, even though the whole way the fear was building again.
How much can she take?
I was so afraid she was going to ask me "What in the WORLD do you WANT from me?!?!"

She responded to my phone messages with interest and curiosity and concern. No anger, frustration, disgust, impatience, or anything negative at all.

I told her that one of her messages (there were 2 because she wanted to add that I hadn't given her my new landline phone # so she only had my cell #) she sounded explanatory and defensive. She was telling me that my messages, that I had sent as urgent on her message system, simply moved them up to the front and that she didnt' check her messages until the next day because she was tired by 9pm. So she called when she got them, at 9:15 on Friday, her day off. She said it may have been both, explanatory and defensive.

We talked about disconnection mostly and that I want her to care about me, why I think she doesn't. I told her that she is so careful to use neutral words and phrases and that feels so impersonal that it's hard to think she cares about ME--that I know she cares about her PATIENT but not about ME. (I know this is logically and professionally correct. still...)
I told her about being afraid of needing or wishing. How much would be too much and would drive her away. How much bad behavior like the phone calls would be too much and drive her away. Very familiar territory we are covering for the umpteenth time.

She just pulled her chair up close to where I was sitting (different chair than I have sat in before) and it was just the nicest, hardest, most intimate, most intimidating, warmest session.

She wants to know my fantasies about her, my wishes, everything. My deepest wish is just to feel so comfortable with her that I can tell her everything.

She is just so wonderfully accepting.
I feel so close to her and so cared for by her.
Is this what I needed to say to her but couldn't find the words, I wonder.