(((((((((Thunderbear))))))))))))),

I know exactly what you mean. My mother died of cancer just 4 years ago in January. She let the cancer go until it was stage IV & it was a cancer that was obvious (vulvar). By the time she decided to do anything about it, it was into the **** area & the lymphnodes in the abdomin. The surgery was the June before & the Dr told her "he got it all"......so she believed him & believed that God gave her that Dr to save her life. The surgery didn't heal & the drain had to be taken care of constantly.......she went home to her own house (my Dad had died 13 years before) so she was alone except for a boyfriend she met at church who had just lost his wife. As time passed, she was getting more ill. The swelling in her legs from the lymphedema (when the lymphnodes are removed this is the result). They were so bad she couldn't walk anymore but refused to go to the specialist because her surgeon wanted to control her & get all her medical money....maybe afraid that another Dr would tell my mother the truth also.

Just before Thanksgiving, I am sure she had a mild stroke. Like your nightmares, that picture in my mind from that thanksgiving haunts me continually. Even this last Thanksgiving when I was enjoying it with my new friends here in Ky, I sat there & saw my Mother just the way he was that last thanksgiving. I had to fight back the tears....I didn't want to bring down our enjoyable meal with my bad memories.

Right after that, I fought to get her into the hospital & sure enough, she had blood clots in her legs. It was downhill from there & the Dr wouldn't admit the cancer was spreading.....being the only child & only family, you would think they would have included me in on information, but NO......my Mothers desire to be in her own home & refusing help, ended up with a home care person who was a neighbor & friend of my mothers boyfriend & his daughter. This person came into the house & stole all the valuable jewelry, wrote checks I caught & stopped payment on, I caught her applying for a credit care using all my Mothers ID infomation & then she had the police called on me to accuse me of abusing my Mother followed by OD'ing her on the morphine......when I was finally able to get my mother out of the house & back into the hospital. I never left her side in the hospital for fear the woman would do something more to her or me when I went to the police about it.......but living in the hospital next to my Mother for those next 3 weeks everything you describe is close to the same. In her case it was continual diaheria & the smells on the hospital were making me feel even more sick than I was already feeling from the stress (I was loosing so much weight, I ended up sick). I would find myself spacing out (later my pdoc said it was depersonalization as it continued after my mothers death). They never would admit that the cancer had spread until they were letting her go from the hopital & I made sure I found a wonderful nursing home close to my home & they admitted that her lungs were full of cancer. When she was in the hospital, they were continually forcing her out daily for scans & weighing to the point where she was in so much pain their treatment was stupid & pointless (probably just to get money) instead of telling her the truth. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever lived through & like you, the nightmares, not only of my Mothers condition, but of the home care person attacking us only left me once I move from California to here in Kentucky, away from it all. While I was taking care of everything there & going to the cemetary occasionally, would make the nightmares that much worse.

I can understand what you are feeling.....I don't think grieving has any set amount of time....there are parts of it that go on forever....expecially when there are trauma sorts of things we went through with it.

I ended up in the same hospital my Mother was in from the extreme weight loss for almost a month & had just gone back into the hospital the night I finally told my Mother she would only get well if she allowed herself to die & quit holding on. She died a couple of hours after I left....I got a call the next morning in the hospital. In some ways I guess for me it was good as my medical Dr made sure I had a psychologist see me everyday & I had wonderful support while in the hospital in planning my Mothers funeral (graveside only with only close friends & family for fear her boyfriend & the home care person might show up).......it was the most scarry situation I have ever experienced besides going through the painful process of my Mothers death.

I didn't cry the whole time either......the morning of the funeral, I didn't even remember what I was supposed to be doing that day. I had spaced out so bad & I had to leave the hospital against medical advice to go to my Mothers funeral with the promise I would come back for the IV nutrition that next week.

I am sure the memories of traumatic situations stick with us forever (they lessen in time but will always be there). I know my Mother told me that my Dad had spent his senior year of highschool caring for his Mother who was dying of cancer also.....I know it stuck with him all his life even though it lessened with time.

The nightmares you are having don't mean you are afraid of your Mother. They are just your mind processing the experience you went through. The remembering sights & smells is the mind processing the traumatic experience it was to you. Unless we are Dr's, or nurses who encounter this as part of their daily work, we don't experience these kinds of situations & they stand out in our mind in a very traumatic way, especially when it is a parent ( or child).....but have actually nothing to do with fear of the person. Visiting her grave brought those memories back up to the surface by taking you back to the place where all your memories of your Mother came together at the end of her life.

Let yourself know it's ok & normal to feel the feelings you are experiencing.

Debbie