|
I Feel I've been crazy now for a good two weeks or more. My session yesterday was very confused. I felt I wasn't doing this thing right, that T must be get tired of me keep going back to these what to me feel pointless childish moans unyet they take me over.
IT was one of those sessions where the tears are dripping but you make no effort to wipe them, it doesn't matter, nothing matters because the sense of hopelessness is to big.
I remember T saying at one point "what would help?" At the time I felt that was a nothing sort of statement, unyet its that that is staying with me. A part of me heard that and took it in. I think its the first Time T has said that, perhaps I just needed to hear that, and not need some bigger suggestion such as, would you like to come 3x or you can email me every day, all of these things I can do and T has offered, but this tiny "what would help" is almost like a part of me was being offered the chance to find something that would help. I can't explain why this felt like this, but its made me feel that yes, its down to me to find what would help me, what is it that I could do that would help me, instead of me constantly thinking that its only T that can stop me "crying", or perhaps I;m ready now to hear that " what would help?"
Today I feel for the first time a strong sense that this is my therapy, that though I keep ending up with these sessions where I've just gone over and over something for the hundreth time, this time I am more aware that I am actually closer to the pain, that these things have to be gone over and over to be expereinced deeper and deeper. The hopelessness has passed much quicker this time. I also saw how the fera of rejecting does run through every aspect of my life and normally when T says I'm afraid of rejection, I just sort of down play it, but I saw it.
Yesterday a friends daughter is being made redundant, my friend asked me if there were any jobs where I work. Just this sent me off on one of my neurotic dances. I couldnt explain it, I begun to get angry and making excuses up about this and that and I couldnt understand why this was effecting me so, then I saw it, having to ask at work was to me about being rejected, they may being laughing at me behind my back and they may see the horrible person I see myself to be and they won't want to give me an application form like they do for other members of staff that want jobs for friends and family, and they are going to REJECT ME! I couldnt believe my fear of rejection was involved with something like this. BUt it is its the life blood of my low self esteem. Once I saw it, I was able to calm myself down, see it for what it is, just asking if theres any jobs going and if there aren't and even if they didnt want to help me here, then they don't. The funny thing is, that they did want to help and told me to tell my friends daughter to come in for an interview. How bloody stupid is this fear of rejection, it really is insdius!
__________________
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
|