Rainbow,

I think you're right that there was possibly some transference in my relationship with C. But unlike the other relationship with E, it wasn't entirely dependent. I was friends with C. for 10+ years and the relationship wasn't based on taking any problems to her or asking for help. We went in the ministry together, went to lunch, garage saling, etc. However, it DID have a mother-daughter feel to it, probably because she is 30 years older than I am (we first became friends when I was 20 and she was 50). I think because of the age difference, it was somewhat to be expected, and I do not think it was dysfunctional. Where I got into trouble with C. was years later, when E. was helping me with my depression and marital problems. E consulted C., and that is when both of them became too involved in my personal problems, became controlling, and crossed my boundaries to the point that both friendships ended.

I think that deep down, I still WANT a relationship with an older woman that has a mother-daughter feel to it. If I could have that, and keep it reciprocal, I don't see any problem with it. My husband would disagree though. He thinks any type of mother-friend is "not natural." Based on what happened with C. and E., he is VERY MUCH against my forming another attachment with a nurturing older woman. I guess I need to talk to my t about whether that could be an option for me and still be healthy.

I agree with you that I need some reciprocal peer relationships with people my own age. I have had a few of these in the past, and though I can't say I found them nearly as satisfying as the mother-daughter type relationships, they had their place. All of them have since moved away and we have not kept in touch now for many years.

In my current congregation, I've held back in forming any new friendships (because of the deep pain of losing E. and C.) However, I've started to be a bit friendly with 2 or 3 women my age, who I chat with a little bit before or after congregation meetings. I have also gone out in the ministry with them once. I have also attended one congregation get-together, where I interacted briefly and superficially with a few people. As yet, I have not done anything socially one-on-one with anybody in my congregation. To be honest, I just don't feel ready for that. I'm too nervous about letting anybody that close to me, or get to know my inner self right now. I'm trying to trust again and take baby steps, but I know that if somebody in my congregation asked me to go to lunch or shopping, I would make an excuse not to go. I'm just too scared.

I'm pretty sure I have forgiven both C. and E. I really do not think I'm angry about it. But the problem is that when i think about them and the way it ended, I still HURT inside. I don't know what would make the hurting go away. It has been a few years now, and the hurt is still deep. Does this mean I've not truly forgiven? It just feels like a deep wound that has never healed.

I plan to talk to my t tomorrow about C. and how she is still showing interest in my life and wanting to talk to me/hug me. I avoided her Saturday because I know how the relationship has hurt me in the past and has shown she can't respect my boundaries. But I know she loved me and probably still does, in her way, and it's hard to let go of a 10+ year relationship. I guess that, considering she and my husband can't stand each other, and she urged me to separate from him (and he knows this), trying to be friends with her again would never work. But I still love and miss her.

It's very, very hard to dodge a hug from C. when the little girl part of me has been so desperate for a hug with my t and has not been able to get one.

Ugh! This is so hard. . .