Hi Chaotic,

I hear what you're saying about taking what i learn from my relationship with t and transferring it to people in my 3D life who are potentially healthy friends. I guess what I'm still not clear on is if it is wrong/dysfunctional to want an older woman as a friend who feels kind of like a mother to me? The Bible speaks of finding "fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers" in the congregation. I believe that David and Jonathon were many years apart in age. Why couldn't I have that with a friend? My mom is not able to show or share emotions with me, or let me emotionally close to her. I don't want to give up on having a relationship with someone like what I've always needed since childhood.

I admit I've done the same thing you did. . .isolated myself from some people who reached out to show compassion or extend friendship to me when I was very depressed. I'm not sure why I did it, but i remember feeling that they would not understand my situation. Because i hadn't formed a friendship with them before my breakdown, i didn't feel inclined to do it when i was struggling. I certainly did not think they would understand. Like you, I also was "knee deep in a river, and dying of thirst"

Unfortunately, when things came crashing down with my two close friends, I had no other social suppport. I realized later that, in looking through one of my dresser drawers, I had received a half-dozen cards from people in my congregation when i first got depressed. But aside from thanking them for the card, i did not draw close to them or confide anything to them about what i was going through. I pretty much avoided them altogether. I feel bad about this now. But I just remember feeling like I needed somebody older, wiser, and like a mother to help me sort out the madness i was going through.

Also, the ones who sent me cards, most of them I'd not had any more than a superficial relationship with them. i really didn't want other people to know my "dirty laundry." i had so much anxiety and shame about memories that were coming back to me. how could i even try to explain what was happening to me? I felt scared and ashamed and just "weird," and i was terrified to let anybody else know about my weirdness.

I just feel like the whole episode has left me damaged. I don't know what it will take to heal the pain of friends I've lost and learn to trust and gain new healthy friends. i feel lonely so much of the time, but when i think about being close with anyone, i'm terrified. Even with my t, as much as i tell her i want her to physically comfort me, whenever she gets closer to me i freeze up. that is why she says i seem ambivalent about it, as though part of me wants that and part of me is threatened by it.