Saw T today. Realize that relationship with friend is unhealthy and toxic. I' think i've always known that. Just got too involved. The whole abuse cycle---we'd have a disagreement or a fight, i'd apologize, things would be ok for a bit then i would do something that set her off and she'd be mad, blaming, venomous and throw the guilt on big time---i go over and over what did i do and can't match my behaviour with what she claims i have done--but i would apologize, cry and say i'm sorry--and things would be good for awhile till i would do so

something like not answer her texts for a few days......then the abuse would start again......

so this time i have made the decision to end the relationship....really for sure this time. and what i need is lots of support.

i want to go inside and not face the fallout or the pain of ending this relationship. I want to do anything to avoid having to live thru this---
always before in abusive relationships i have gone just so far living with the pain and the panic and anxiety then apologize and get sucked in again.
I don't want to go there this time, but i have never lived thru the uncomfortable, painful feelings to the point of my own resolution without running back to the abuser......and that is what she is---an abuser.

so logically i know. i know what i have to do. i know the steps. i know some of the pain i have to walk thru-------

i'm scared, panicked, anxious. I am trying to put together support ppl who will encourage and sit with me when i am feeling like i can't take the pressure any more and i want to surrender and go back.

This is where i am right now---and that's not even going to where others inside are.....that's part of the mess.