I feel like I have to re-start my whole life.. I have to create new dreams and new hopes and for the first time in a long time LIVE... I spent about 9 years off and on loving a women who said she loved me but her actions most the time did not reflect that.. I have been attracted to women that are physically or emotionally unavailable my whole life.. That hard part is I dreamed for so long how our life would and could be.. if she ever left.. oh I forgot to say that part.. I had an affair with her off and on for 9 years.. she always would fill me up with reasons why she couldnt leave.. and then would fill me up with hope that she was going to leave.. it is like an addiction.. that I kept going back to... over and over again.. I love her and did anything and everything she ever asked me to... I comprimized everything and lost friends because of this.. I have been on every medication and was sucidel and now I have not been on medication for almost 2 years and no I just ended it again.. but I am afraid I will fall back into the trap the addiction of her beauty and lovin... I know I cant cause its killing everything good in me.. I am a mess... It hard to think how do I get over this how do I move on.. how do I stop missing her ever second... I sometimes think it would be best If I couldnt feel anything... so I joined this site to reach out for some help and support and a distraction..