When you know inside that you are doing the right thing, then you ARE doing the right thing. It is important to not feel bad for your husband. It is his choice to live in the way that is not making the marriage work. If he really cared, he would make the changes necessary, not you having to give in or tolerate his actions....NO!!! NO WAY!!! That is not a marriage.

The only reason your husband is feeling pain is because he had you in his control & now he doesn't. Of course, being in control will make him happy....it would make anyone happy. But remember one thing, that isn't love no matter what term they place on it.....that kind of action toward a person IS NOT LOVE.....they just want you to think it is. If he really cared & really loved you, he would not treat you the way he is treating you. You are right, you & your daughter don't need that kind of life.

I had a friend I went places with & rode horses with when I was in college. He was the kind of controlling guy I knew I would never be interested in more than just a friend (& even that was a challenge). He wanted to schedule things into my life months in advance. After I got married, we stayed friends & then he got married. The woman found out what kind of man he was & left very quickly....walked out without anything. He ended up getting remarried & she was pregnant before they got married. She really didn't know him very well, but stuck by him for their son. When he died a few years ago of cancer, she confided in me just how much he had controlled her & how free she felt now that he had died. She felt guilty for those feelings, but I assured her that there was nothing wrong with how she felt & knowing him for as long as I did, I understood exactly how she felt. It had only gotten worse over the years from what I knew......I was glad I could be there for her to be able to let those feelings out & that women are not to be controlled, but loved & cared about which it a 2 way street. Whenever there is control, love is lacking & insecurity is high.

Even my husband thought I was going to continue tolerating him forever without ever having to make the changes that were needed for a good marriage because I had put up with it for so long. I had wanted out at the beginning, but like you, was afraid to go it alone with our daughter & my career. I had never been out on my own, going from living at home with my parents while in college to being married, I had never had the chance to know that I could take care of myself until I moved here to Kentucky.....I found out it's a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade it for being married ever again.

As time passes, I realize that I have no feelings for my husband. No regret that I am not around him, no missing him....NOTHING except for relief from the fighting & irritations that he was continually causing in our life. I know I could never go back to being around him.....even if he were to change, I don't want to live with anyone ever again. I love my peaceful life (how ever peaceful it is with 6 dogs barking at me...lol). That is still much more peaceful than my marriage ever was.

You can make it...one step at a time. Don't think about all you have to do....just think about the one thing you are doing that day to get the things done otherwise it will overwhelm you.

I will be here if you are feeling bad....you can always PM me also if you just need to let it out.

Debbie