i feel so strong one minute and then i question if i am doing the right thing.
don't want to hurt anyone. i'm hurting her. i've not given her any explanation. i've not even talked to her. questions and more questions---
old voices "you are bad" "no respect for anyone but yourself" "this isn't how a good Christian acts"-----

Tried to walk away from her last yr. went back. got slammed when i left for my own sanity last yr. vicious e-mails and telling me i was doing to her what others have done--that i am a tricker and a user.....
this yr i couldn't take the triggering, the unhealthiness of her actions and her not seeming to really care....so i am done. but it's haunting---

one of her protectors was so vicious in her e-mail to me. lots of triggering words from the really bad time last yr. blocking to keep the memories from flooding. PTSD says T. need to walk thru the fire to get to the otherside.

shock is wearing off. pain is setting in. memories are starting to come back--the awful ones that can't be shared with anyone--have to work thru even tho i just want to go inside and hide.

I need ppl to remind me that i won't die, i can get thru the pain, memories are just that----and that i am healthier and stronger than before. that it's not my fault. the decision was right. that i will come thru this stronger and healthier. remind me not to give in even when it seems too much to bear. and that i am loved and appreciated by my friends.

thanks all for listening to my ranting.