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Apr 29, 2009, 04:17 PM
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((( LizzyB )))
Thank you sooooo much for your reply. For you to care about a person you barely know speaks volumes about the type of heart and soul you have. 
I'm in such a crappy place. I find myself back at the crossroads I faced when I first got into therapy. I do not know who to grieve first.
When I was a little kid and my father died, I was not comfortable talking about it or crying because it upset every one around me. Being the dysfunctional family we were, no one knew what to say to a little girl who just lost her father so no one said anything. I sucked up all my sadness and stuffed the memories of him way down inside.
When my first brother died, I really had no time to grieve. Along with his wife, he left behind a three-year-old and a three-month-old and my time and focus was all about them.
Whatever time I had left for me was wrapped up in trying to deny the fact that my other brother would soon be dead as well. I did not grieve. I stuffed it all. I threw myself into my job as a diversion.
When my other brother died (five years after the first one) was when the grief hit me. It came hard and fast as all three deaths demanded to be grieved at once. I sat in therapy for the longest time not knowing who to grieve because it was all mixed up into one big mess.
Of course, all through this journey my aunts, uncles and all my grandparents were dying left and right. Out of 16 aunts and uncles I have 4 left.
I finally got to the point where I could talk about my brothers and my father without breaking down, when my mother announced her lung cancer came back. Because I was in a better place, I was able to acknowledge it, accept it and prepare (as best as one can) for her death. I didn't count on her death to be so traumatic. It really tripped me up. I can't sleep at night because I replay it if I close my eyes.
In the middle of all that, a very close friend and mentor died. She played a very important role in my life and I still have trouble accepting her death.
Then my aunt died.
Then my cousin.
And now my in-law took her own life.
I'm back to not knowing who to grieve.
Thanks for listening. 
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