Hey you~ease up on your sweet self. It makes a lot of sense why it's hard to not want to keep the peace. As a kid, i'm pretty sure that was how you tried to be safe.

When i was a kid, not even counting the SA and RA, i had to be on guard every single minute i was home because i never knew when i might be hit or kicked. My dad would expect one thing of me one time and something completely different another time. i could just be walking past him and get kicked in the behind. He'd give me a dirty look just because it was too loud for him when i chewed carrots with my mouth closed or my mouth made a sound when i drank pop from a bottle. When there wasn't a crazy reason, he'd make an opportunity cuz he didn't need a reason.

The thing is, there was absolutely NOTHING i could have done to prevent being beaten...but i still TRIED. i still paid careful attention to every nuance he emitted, every mood change, every word. So, you see, it makes perfect sense that you would try to keep the peace even when you didn't want to go over there. We become hypervigilent as a way to be safe, even when it's more than we need. That's not our fault. That's THEIR fault...our abusers' faults.

So be nice to you my friend. There's nothing spineless or stupid about you. You're doing the best you can under circumstances you should not have had to live. You're A-OK as you are and i'm gonna keep saying it til you believe it.