You feel like that because you cared enough about him to want to marry him & try to make the marriage work & because being alone after being married & having to do everything on your own is a lot of work.

Keeping the reality of the situation in your mind is the most important however at this point....until you get resolution on the situation.....focus on that...not necessarily on the bad, but on the fact that those things that are making the marriage impossible have to be resolved before & only before allowing him back or it will become nothing but a see-saw life. When those things that we like about a person aren't around, it is only natural to miss them especially when they make us feel better ourselves.....but you can't let them outweigh resolving what the issues of the marriage really are. If those issues can be resolved, then just think, you will not only have those nice things about him back, but you will also have a wonderful marriage to enjoy rather than to fight.

If for some reason the marriage doesn't get resolved, then look at all the practice you have in taking care of your life on your own. I have a 10 acre farm to take care of along with all the repairs because I don't have any money to hire it to be fixed. The belt on my lawn tractror came off the other day just as I was finishing up my back acre. I have to take it apart & fix the belt....easy enough fix as I ended up taking the lawn tractor apart when I first got it in order to install the mulcher.

I also have to powerwash the front porch & get it painted with the sealing paint/stain I have along with all the railing & put up the latice work at the bottom of the deck porch area. Finish painting the inside of the house & put up all new wood around the windows that had to be taken out when I had all the windows in the house replaced. I purchased a miter saw to do the cutting with, so I have all the tools & all the paint to do all the work that needs to be done. I am also installing new lighting fixtures on the front porch & by the garage & back porch. It is surprising what we can do when we want to. I am actually finding that I enjoy working on the house more than I ever thought I would.

Looking at my beautiful mowed lawn which looks like a huge park is so satisfying after it's all done. I am also cutting back all the trees on the edge of my woods so I can mow up to the edge without my head getting knocked off while I mow (also keeps the tic's from jumping off the branches & onto me while mowing also.....alterior reasoning for cutting back the branches). Oh yes, I forgot about all the weed eating & weed killer stuff I have to spray to kill the weeds & poison ivy/oak that grows at the edge of the woods.

I don't even have my horses here yet to take care of or that would be added to the full time job of caring for the farm.

Yep.....it's more work that one person can really do, but it's one step at a time & priorities set on the things I can't let get out of control. Strange thing is that I feel better than I ever have before in my life & I definitely feel happier than I did when I was with my husband.

I know what you mean about feeling like what you have done is a huge accomplishment. When we do something we have never done before in our lives & do it successfully.....it is a huge accomplishment & should be acknowledged. I have found that when it gets hotter, it's best to mow either early in the morning or late in the evening before the sun goes down. My lawn tractor has a head light on it....I have been known to be mowing into the dark on really hot days...lol.

Keep your focus on your desire for the improvement of your marriage & getting your husband to be a part of that improvement while he is out of the house so you will know if it is ever safe to allow him back into your life.

I have always felt that if I could do something anyone could do it......so if that is the case....if I can do this, so can you...lol. I know the initial fear of having to do everything by myself was overwhelming especially with the size of everything around me.....but it's getting easier & I don't force myself to get everything done at once or with perfection (even though the perfectionist in me is still active to some extent).

After this, you will at least have more self confidence in your ability to handle your life by yourself & maybe your husband will even have more respect for you knowing that you are capable of taking care of yourself without him & that you don't need him, but will want him in your life when he successfully makes the changes needed for a successful marriage.

I know you can handle this successfully,
Debbie