What does your T do during your couples sessions when this happens? Is what he does helpful? Do you need more support or intervention from your T during the couples sessions? Your time in couples sessions can be used to show your T your typical ways of interacting together. Then he can analyze them and make recommendations and steer the two of you down healthier paths. Easier said then done, I know! But your couples T is there to help. Are you and your H deliberately having arguments in therapy so your T can help you with how to do that? (My H and I never argued so I wouldn't even know how to do that, but I think it's probably a good thing to know?)
Another comment, and maybe this is just coming from my "no conflict" loving self: it seems there is a lot of talk about "winning" and "arguing" and "defending yourself" in your post. Why do you have to do that? Why do you have to win, why does your H have to win? Can there be a middle path or compromise? Why do you have to be defending yourself? Is your H attacking you in session? It sounds really stressful. Is there a way to find some common ground and shared goals and build from there? I know couples work is so very hard....
Quote:
I find when I get emotional, upset, or have anxiety I cannot think, I shut down.
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Is that something you could work on in an individual session with this T? Could he help you with coping skills so you can stay present better during confrontation?