So, the realization that I have DID is actually fairly new to me...although it explains SO MUCH about my life, and it makes perfect sense. I am trying to accept it, and not freak out. Although I do have moments of "is there really a "ME"" and that really upsets me a lot when I think about it. Like, who is ME?

Anyhow, I know about some of my parts because they have made themselves known to T and he has shared stuff with me.

This week was really super crazy. T keeps talking about a "teen" part, but that somehow didn't feel "right" to me. And yesterday, after talking through it with T on the phone for a while I realized, in kind of a sickening flash, that I have a protector part that I created when I was little - who IS a teen, but who was created when I was a small child. She's the one who kept me from telling (we were under threats of death if we told) and she's the one who stepped and and took the abuse. I was suddenly SO AWARE of her presence. It actually made me physically sick, although I'm not sure why. I guess because in some ways, I just feel like WHO AM I? And maybe because I don't "need" her in the same way anymore and she still tries to step in and it's sad and hard. I *think* she is the one who cuts -because we tend to cut when we've told "too much"and I think it is sort of a punishment.

ANYHOW, I'm wondering if this experience sounds familiar to anyone. This whole thing is really upsetting me. T says that we will welcome whoever shows up - that they have good information for me, and I have good information for them... but I don't know, this is hard and it's really making me panicky and sad and ashamed and sick.

The other thing is, I don't remember much of high school at all. When I think of high school,I think of me being a mess - crazy, fat, ugly, needy, desperate. But I have reconnected with high school people recently and they have ALL told me (separately from each other) how fun and happy and pretty I was in high school- and how they were all jealous and wished they were me. Did I create a happy, fun person to go to high school? is that why I don't remember it?

I am SO confused. I think it would help me to hear others' experiences...