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multipixie9 · Apr 30, 2009, 10:17 AM

hi treehouse,

i am sorry to hear how sad and confused you feel right now and i remember how hard i fought against accepting my parts inside. i actually had a strong "system" of denial parts and it took me quite a while to stop refusing to believe my alts who carried so much of my past.

another struggle i went through was being mad at myself for being "different" or "weird". i was really angry at my abusers but i was trained to turn the anger inward and hurt myself. i took up being mean to myself where my abusers had left off.

my spouse refuses to believe DID exists and his rejection has made it very hard and painful trying to deal with issues and yet not switch around him - really messed up, but finally i have decided that i believe me and that i appreciate ALL of my alters. each one did something they thought they had to do to keep us alive and safer. i no long reject myself.

i have had many, many alters. the ritual abuse and years of cruelty led me to split over and over and to hide a bunch of my own life from my concious mind. it has taken a long time to feel safe enough to let my T help me. i've had mostly a lot of littles with the pain memories or the anger feelings and many alters with "jobs" or functions they do - protectors, distractors, performers. it's pretty hard to describe it to someone else.

i don't know if this helped you any or not, but just know that each one of us does our alters a bit different and it truly is a creative defense for a small child in terrible pain and fear. i have grown very appreciative of and proud of my inside family. they kept me alive (with God's help i believe) and they kept me from going crazy. in my book my pixies are ALL heroes! gentle hugs if you want them!

leslie