{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Sounds like you're still in mourning. Nothing wrong with that. It's important to allow ourselves to feel all the feelings that come with the loss of a loved one. Allowing ourselves the feelings is quite often scary so kudos to you for entering into this process.

Keep sharing what you are learning. Speaking stricktly for myself, I'm here to listen any time you need it, ok? My shoulders are quite broad and "fluffy."