My Support Forums - View Single Post

KathyM · Apr 30, 2009, 07:17 PM

((Rainbowzz))

My heart goes out to you. I remember feeling so much anger as a child because mom didn't have what it takes to be a real mother to me. I used to sit in my backyard and watch my twin friends interact with their mother. I desperately wanted a mother like that woman. When I played at their house, I even loved it when their mother yelled loudly at us - she did it with such love and humor.

My mother hated me as much as I hated her because she thought my birth triggered her illness - although at the time it was just called "hypochondria." It turns out the symptoms of this type of amyloidosis begin to appear in the third decade of life - it was just a coincidence I was born during that time. Even after she learned it was amyloidosis, she still blamed and hated me for "ruining" her life.

I was so ashamed of my mother. I viewed her as weak and pathetic.

It would be nice if you could become completely independent from your mom. It was easier for me when I was able to break free completely and care for myself and my son on my own. She had no say on how I lived my life because I was successful. It was easier for me to ignore her insults when I visited and later cared for her.

When she died, my first thought was "Phew, it's finally over." Not really what a daughter should think at such a time, huh?

Over time, I was able to release the anger and shame. When I was diagnosed with her illness, I was forced to "walk in her shoes." I learned more about the details of her life. She lived a nightmare of physical and emotional pain without any support or real love. She was an outcast, and just about everyone hated her. Strangers jeered her - so did we at times.

My anger and shame turned into respect, admiration and love for that mean old woman. I actually miss her insults and erratic behavior. They make me laugh now, sometimes.

Try to love her. Try to accept her, warts and all. I know it's hard - maybe even impossible - but you'll never get the chance to do it in person after she's gone.

I hope you two can work it out. Please give your little guy a hug for me.