Thank you Miri...

but what if i did icky things to others? i know made to but what if i somehow liked part of it? Icky Icky bad!!! i hope not i hope not. part unerstands all that cuz of what stuffs did but what if i really bad?

i have a friend who believes in karma, which is her right. i don't begrudge anyone their beliefs except for those who embrace e...
But does that mean i deserved what happened? She says she doesn't know, which to me means maybe i did.

i had a T who once said maybe we get to choose our next life. Maybe i chose this life. In some ways that's kind of nice cuz that would make me honorable to choose such a life to understand such grief. But that messes with my head too. Grandiose thoughts are not ok. i think they made me feel both worthless and special. SO confusing all of it.

A lot of my memories come in dreams. They're nightmares but, cuz i don't feel them, they're dreams? i question sometimes but also know i've been able to substantiate some things i didn't know but happened in dreams when i had outside sources (prove reprove prove reprove).

Current T says she doesn't deny r.a. happens and there's reason to believe it happened to me but not all i think happened did maybe. i understand some things were tricks and i understand i could make some mistakes but it feels so much like she doesn't BELIEVE me. i dunno whether to keep seeing her or not. i have SO many details in my dreams. One thing to have general idea, another to have details.

i wish i could tie my brother up and MAKE him tell me. (Don't worry i won't). i wish i could just know. i wish i knew what to do. i wish i could find the best specialist. i wish...