Thanks everyone for your kind support during my dissociative stuff there. i was aware my writing had changed but was also compelled to write what was in my head if that makes sense. i felt slow and it took a lot of time and effort to get it out because letters came haltingly.

i feel the need to clarify (due to shame and fear of harsh judgment) that my question regarding 'what if part of me liked' some things sometimes was (in my mind's eye here) about the possibility of a part that embraced his role. i don't know if he exists/existed or not...this is just what comes to mind atm. But i kind of "see" him. In some ways this disgusts me and in others it makes me angry. i struggle, too, with whether i created such a part (i can see how that could happen given my sadist father and brother) or it was created for me through programming. Doubter sees the skeptics at that remark (man, okaaaay).

My mind is going OFF with questions, thoughts, remembered dreams and past realizations...none of which necessarily fit with this post. This has me feeling overwhelmed with where to post what, if to post at all, and all the self critical judgments that go along with EVERYTHING.

OK, enough. THANK YOU kind hearts. i hope i haven't turned any of you away with any of possible me.