he has freckles...just cuz i think that doesn't mean he's real

i have a group that sit and stand in shadow...some are on a semi-circle couch. i see them from behind. There is one who is the holder of The Truth and, even though she's young, she's the Wise One. The others defer to her. There's a 17 year old caretaker who takes care of some but not all the others, there's a streetwise tough girl, there's a party girl. There's Jackie who is the worker who is able to do a lot and think big ideas, a creative writer that struggles with censoring herself to the point of not being able to write, Doubter (who's name may actually be Stuart but because, once i think of Doubter i doubt everything i really don't know), a little one who feels 8 but talks littler and says "littler but i big" so maybe she's younger than 8 but wants to be 8?...another one who may be 13 but who's name i don't know told me of Stacy, who IS 8 and who talks with some words missing. i believe there are others.

i need thoughts/comments on this. The only ones who have pretty much taken over my awareness of any other part of me at times are Jackie and the the one who went to college who may or may not be the creative writer...i kinda think so because of all the papers i had to write and i always got an "A". That me was very good at school but also wanted to be perfect at it and was crazy about the gpa. My mind just went blank...i was gonna say something else.

Oh yeah...i'm not allowed to think good thoughts about myself for getting A grades and writing well and stuff. i've tested in the genius range but i get all kinds of conflicting feelings about that. One is yay, i'm smart/have something good and another is boo, who the h*** do you think YOU are??? It's really funny sad cuz i was invited to go to a gifted school when i was in elementary school but my dad wouldn't let me go cuz he wanted me to have a normal life. HA! HA! HA! Also i'm pretty sure my mom lied about a neuropsych eval i had done when i had just turned 5 cuz she said i was a genius and the reason i lost touch with reality and shook my head several times a day was because my bangs were in my eyes (and later when i was 14 or so and went blind twice said i just needed glasses). Really the stuff when i was 5...i think that was after i was orally raped and got sick with acute pharyngitis and a 105 degree fever. i can't prove that happened but had a very clear memory and confronted on it. My brother was starting something and my father walked in and, instead of rescuing me took over--very violent. Ick! Sorry! i'm rambling. Feel different this paragraph. Man, stuck up!! (nuh-uh)

i leave things and write things coming to mind cuz lose stuff if i censor, k?