we want to add some more to what we said before. meso sounds like she feels she "isn't doing it right", but there is NO right way and NO wrong way to dissociate. there is boundless creativity in the way people defend themselves from horrors no child can handle alone.

this week in counseling we got a more clear view of what is actually going on with different groups of alters inside my mind and i've been trying to deal with DID for 14 years. I found out last year that not only did i have lots of denial alts i also have a huge amount of deliberate confusion in my head to keep various parts away from each other or away from certain facts/feels.

so basically, i've been walking around feeling like an idiot for years and wondering what the h*** was going on with us. my husbands disbelief kept lots of my alts denying their reality to get along with him and frankly its felt like torture to me emotionally. i knew some people who could see all their alts, know their ages and see a home they lived in together and all i knew was that the inside of my mind has the lights turned off and all i could tell was words/emotions from different alters that come at me out of the dark. it has felt just awful to me and my own system has caused us all lots of pain. HOWEVER, they did this because that was how we protected ourselves from some extreme violence and coped with lots of "programming" by abusers.

bottom line, i respect all my alts for what they did no matter if it appears helpful or scary or strange. they did all they did to help me survive a nightmare that didn't end for at least 14 years or more.

the more i accept, love and respect my alters the more peace we achieve together in here and the more likely we are to find a peaceful resolution to the issues that have plagued us our entire life. i have a long way to go in learning how to do internal communication but love for my insiders is helping pave the way for that good outcome.

be kind to yourselves, as best you can, you and your insiders are family.

Leslie and her precious Pixies