Long story, but I had an affair last year that ended in June. I told my husband about it. It all came out because of a suicide attempt. My husband was surprisingly forgiving, especially considering the fact that this wasn't the first time I've cheated. Back in 2006 when they put me on anti-depressants for the first time, I went into a manic episode and I was having one-night-stands with men I met on the internet and never knew their names. It was bad. I told him about that. I told him about one guy I met back before we ever got married, and had a short one month fling - that one, not attributed to medications, just being depressed and looking for comfort.

So, one of the reasons why I justified the cheating was the fact that our sex life is bismal. When things are GOOD - we average maybe once a month. If that. But we can often go 2-3 months with no physical contact whatsoever. And it never seems to bother him. I am always the one to initiate, he never does. He rejects me all the time. I get so sick of the rejection that I quit trying.

We've had sex twice since I told him about the affair. Once in August, once on Christmas. Didn't even get any on Valentine's Day, or Anniversary, or his birthday.

I have been holding back the affection a little bit, waiting for him to show something. I don't want to be over the top, pushing him too much if he doesn't want anything. I don't want to be rejected. So I hold back. That just means there is NO affection, period.

But he wants to stay married. He must love me, or he wouldn't still be with me after all the ***** I've put him through. The mere fact that he is still around means a lot to me. I know he loves me. But I guess the lust part of love is just gone? How do we get it back?

And to make it worse....I have been having thoughts about that other man lately. Wondering how he is doing. Fantasizing about him. It's been almost a year, why can't I just push it out of my mind and forget about it?