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Originally Posted by MeSo
Thank you Miri...
but what if i did icky things to others? i know made to but what if i somehow liked part of it? Icky Icky bad!!! i hope not i hope not. part unerstands all that cuz of what stuffs did but what if i really bad?
i have a friend who believes in karma, which is her right. i don't begrudge anyone their beliefs except for those who embrace e...
But does that mean i deserved what happened? She says she doesn't know, which to me means maybe i did.
i had a T who once said maybe we get to choose our next life. Maybe i chose this life. In some ways that's kind of nice cuz that would make me honorable to choose such a life to understand such grief. But that messes with my head too. Grandiose thoughts are not ok. i think they made me feel both worthless and special. SO confusing all of it.
A lot of my memories come in dreams. They're nightmares but, cuz i don't feel them, they're dreams? i question sometimes but also know i've been able to substantiate some things i didn't know but happened in dreams when i had outside sources (prove reprove prove reprove).
Current T says she doesn't deny r.a. happens and there's reason to believe it happened to me but not all i think happened did maybe. i understand some things were tricks and i understand i could make some mistakes but it feels so much like she doesn't BELIEVE me. i dunno whether to keep seeing her or not. i have SO many details in my dreams. One thing to have general idea, another to have details.
i wish i could tie my brother up and MAKE him tell me. (Don't worry i won't). i wish i could just know. i wish i knew what to do. i wish i could find the best specialist. i wish...
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We hacve so much in common i almost could have written this ....
The karma thing ... yeah lots believe we come back and choose this ... find that really hard to conceive of. The only thing that counts is what YOU believe about yourself. i know you are confused ... who wouldn't be, but everyone who is saying that is your kind heart NOW that counts, I think is very right. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but there's all kinds of explanations for what you felt when being forced to doing something and even saying that you think you might have enjoyed it, or bit of it. I can't tell you that i had that experience, but something inside me feels like I totally understand it, so maybe i did experience that. There's also a part of me that knows it isn't truly "enjoyment" even if that's what it wants to call itself. I can't articulate beyond this, but I trust somehow that there is too much we don't understand about our brains and much that we do not have control over. And what happened to you - it isn't you, it isn't your fabric and those ugly threads of abuse can be pulled out of the weave.
The dreams ... yeah, that's how a lot of my stuff has showed up, too. Hate the nights.