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I feel different somehow. I feel I want to re-join life again, I want to meet it exactly as it is.
I wrote T last night about something that was bothering me and she replied and I replied back and, well, I just felt we were "together". I said I do appricate her replys how I have heard from others that outside contact isn't allowed, and T replied saying that there is no set "rule" and it would be untheraputic and besides that just unkind to leave me with the feelings I was writing to her about.
I talked to her about my dream last week about the running from something and arriving at a sofa but knowing I Need to go further then just remaining on the safe sofa. She said you were walking away from worry and have been doing that all week, regarding this saintly sobriety site I had been using. Yes I said, I thought it was connected to you in someway, but now you mention that I see its more that then anything else, and yes I have walked away from it and begun to embrace the real life I have and the real people in my life.
T said that its a pleasure to spend time with me and work with me becuase I am so open to exploring my feelings and myself as terrifying as that is. I replied that that was good to hear, she said good, things seem clearer to her now and hopes they are clearer to me. Yes they are this being able to ask the questions and speak about the things that help make things clearer is a nice place to be.
I'm going to help my hubby decorate, something I've never shown interest in doing, but I guess I am getting the feeling now that just sitting back and having life go on around me isn't enought any longer, I want in_on_it!..
Its odd, but I am also begining to use thoughts of my birth mothers obvious struggles with life, as a source of strenght. I'd never have thought this would have happened. Perhaps its because I have seen what my life experiences caused me to do in life that I can now see it would have been just the same for her, her choices? who am I to judge.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
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