but I thought by hyervigilance I'd be safer.

I have been stuck being hypervigilant since I was attacked - but what I never realised was that I was already partially this way because of my childhood - thats what makes me good wiht the confused patients because I am always aware of any movement or change in mood before other people - so maybe this is a good skilll to have

The anxiety was worse than the physical battering and the verbal humiliation and abuse. So I developed a strategy to 'pop' my aunt into hitting me so that there would be some ease and resolution.

I am so sorry this happened to you - I can understand how setting her off was the "safer" option than enduring the waiting for the enevitable - it makes me mad when the people who are supposed to love and protect us - harm us instead - I would change it if I could....

But I'm also looking at a pattern of bonding to people who don't have my best interests at heart. That is very hard to look at.

are you discussing this with your T?

I take anti-anxiety medication, and I take an anti-depressant, and I am in psychotherapy and doing EMDR but anxiety is something I go to sleep with, dream of and wake up with every day.

I take an anti-depressant and valerian for anxiety - but like you the anxiety is always ther like a fast flowing river in the background waitng for me to slip in and be carried away....

What are your thoughts?