I avoided bringing up a subject in my last T session that I had e-mailed him about....and then was disappointed that I didn't bring it up. I e-mailed T, basically to disclose that. And he said to bring the e-mail with me so that I hold myself accountable to discuss it.

YIKES.

I feel like I can say almost anything on this forum....because nobody knows me in real life here (yet I feel like you know me more than anyone, go figure).....

And then, the next level of comfort is by e-mail. I can articulate things well...be clear with how I feel or what the situation is....and I can read it over and over again until I get it just right and then hit SEND and not have to deal with the reaction. The downside to this is anticipating a reaction.

But my T prefers not to give me much feedback by e-mail. He needs to be able to read more than words - which I totally understand....BUT, sometimes I feel like I can't talk about certain things in T. I get so anxious, upset, afraid....I don't know....

And here I am....now having to hold myself accountable to raise the difficult issues in therapy....but I know that I am an adult and can just say NO...and not do it....But that wouldn't be productive for me.

I am trying to figure out why I am so afraid....perhaps because I feel vulnerable....or feel like a pathetic loser who can't "get over the past"....or just a big crybaby who is looking for sympathy....I am afraid to feel the devastation of the loss of my entire adulthood so far living in a majorly dysfunctional environment that I allowed myself to live in, because of my own low self-esteem and low self-worth. I am afraid that my past SA issues have caused me to hate being touched in certain ways and that I will never be able to get past it. I am afraid that I will never understand what a loving relationship should be - because I've been with my husband since I was 18 and have never known anything different. I dated lots of guys before him, but he was the only one I ever got serious with.

I hate these feelings....but they are real. And I don't know how I could ever bring them up in T......but I have to in order to move forward.