Today I had therapy. I'm back on the weekly plan and that is a good feeling. This is the 3rd week in a row I've seen T.

I wanted to share with T a phone conversation I had with my H last week. It seemed noteworthy and worth exploring. I felt good about the conversation while it was happening and when it was over. So while I was telling T about this, I got very sad and had to stop talking as the sadness came over me. I was impatient with myself and tried to push through it but couldn't. I came to share this good thing with T and instead it's more sadness and tears! I felt very frustrated. I kept trying to hold back and push through with no success. Finally I just gave in and covered my face and sobbed for a while. Argghh. Sometimes I lose patience with myself. I swear, before walking into T's office, I had no angst at all about this conversation with H. Then I start sharing it with T and suddenly uncover a whole new layer of sad. When is this going to end? Why didn't I know, at the time the phone call was happening, that I was sad? Why does it wait until T's office to come tumbling out? I know that T would say it's because I feel with safe with him in his office, that I feel safe feeling sad and crying with him. Yes, I understand that, but I feel it's becoming Pavlovian. Enter T's office, become sad, cry.

I was not patient at all with myself today. T was. I wanted to talk about other things. He encouraged me to cry. The bulk of the session went over to this sadness and the anticipated other topics gave up their place. I don't know if I am making progress or not. At one point I abruptedly lashed out at T, and said "why are we even doing this? why are we talking about this?!" I was just so frustrated with myself. He said, so you can get all your sadness out, so you can grieve, so you can heal.

I expect sadness to be done. T has experience with layers upon layers. I am scared to ask him, how long is this going to take? I think that's why he's increased me to meeting weekly again--lots more stuff coming up. If I were my T, I would be very bored with me by now. I'm bored with me.

He talked about doing another couples session.

He also shared again (last session too), about his own marriage, which I find helpful. We have some striking similarities in our marriages and their break-ups. It makes me feel a little better about my efforts because even T, with all his relationship skills, could not have success in his own (first) marriage. Sometimes, there is more to making a relationship work than just what oneself can do. That has been very hard for me to accept and understand. During the marriage I thought I had to make all the accommodations and changes in order for the marriage to work. I tried so hard and changed so many things, but in the end, this did not help. It didn't seem like my H tried anything, and for some reason, I had no expectation that he would. I viewed him as immutable, like a stone. And I was malleable, like clay. I have learned that in relationships, I expect nothing from the other person. It's a pattern that I want to break out of. So it is really helpful to hear some of T's story, because as an outsider looking in, I can see that T wasn't the only one who bore responsibility for the failure. It helps me understand that in my own marriage, each partner had responsibility too. It wasn't all my fault and all my responsibility to make it work.

Draining session. Nice hug on the way out.