I know a couple of people were asking what my T had outlined as the "steps" to deal with abuse stuff. Well!! I found the paper. And thought I might as well start a new thread.
Now: My warnings - My therapist is a "pastoral counsellor" meaning her focus is (depending on the client) including religious stuff. So yes, that means this page mentions "God". Disregard what you don't like, or substitute for "higher power" or whatever you want. But this is what she gave me. And it might only make sense to me, in retrospect.
----------------------------------------------
Accepted:
- Not my fault (at least rationally)
- He is a broken and wounded man (sometimes rationally.)
1. What is lost? What has the ab*se made you "lose"? = Accepting through grieving.
Abuse
(caused)
! loss of trust in......................................... Hatred
authority figures .... ----> DIS-EMPOWERS <-- Holding a grudge
! men being seen as "bad" ..........YOU............ Unforgiveness
! loss of self-esteem
! bad body image
! not trusting myself
(Abuse causes all of these things, and it dis-empowered you. But holding onto hatred, a grudge, or unforgiveness also dis-empowers you because YOU suffer.)
2. Your past does not define you. Your worth is God given.
(Thus, one event does not make you who you are, and your self-worth cannot be taken away by this one event even if you feel like it)
3. Decide who you want to be.
(She was very non-directive about this. IE. She didn't tell me what this meant )
4. Move forward in a
process of forgiveness
(it is not a "one time" event, it's making a choice everyday, every moment sometimes)
It is
NOT pretending what happened was okay. It IS holding the other person responsible for their actions -
it was NOT okay. It was NOT your fault.
- Giving responsibility to God:
- For punishing the aggressor
- For ensuring the aggressor incurs the consequences
--->
--------> Keep giving the right for punishment to God
--->
Keep talking back to the lies (the negative voices) --> taking back your faith and your personal power.
5. Be freed of the results of the ab*se.
Okay, so granted it's not so much a step-by-step process. But by her just doing this... I realize it's a stupidly long process, which is TOTALLY not fair!!
But this is my choice: I can keep running and pretend nothing happened and be more hurt every day, or I can reclaim my power and deal with things, whether I like it or not. No matter how hard it is, people have gone through worse and have gotten through it... and SO CAN I.
I may not be able to turn back time. But what's in the past, is there. Yes, it hurts and it sucks and it wasn't ever my fault - but it's in the past, and it's staying there and I can't change it. However, I can learn from it, I can heal from it - and I can get over and through it.
And at the end of the day: I am a better and more whole and good person - and that's something I've got to be proud of.
I have survived the ab*se. I am here. I can live a good life and while I cannot "forget" it, I can at least stop blaming myself!
Oh, and she did recommend a couple of books: (Probably some of them with a religious POV. I actually haven't looked for them yet!!)
- Changes That Heal
- Boundaries (by Cloud & Townsend)
- Courage to Heal