kofash_muhamed, Hello...
It took courage for you to post about your problem, and admitting that you have a problem is taking the first step in recovery.

Please don't do anything bad--as you put it.
knothead was right in asking you to share more information with us. It's hard to do at first, but you will find that people here will give you good support and help as much as we can.

It sounds like you are in a very rough spot and don't see any way out of it. Frustration and some fear are a bit apparent in your post.
Sometimes when we are overwhelmed with what is happening in our lives, we cannot see any way to change things...and we have to be willing to make changes if we want a better life, with more peace and hope in our hearts.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?
I've been clean and sober for sometime but I remember very well those feelings of despair...

Best wishes,
Catherine