thanks (((((Sky)))))

*I just took some time out writing in my journal to explore what was going on...and, I want to assure you Sky that its nothing to do with you that triggered me...

I had a major A HA moment when writing, and its to do with--
my excitement as I was coming home from work today about how I have felt less bothered by people being in close proximity to me today---for the past 6 months I've been *jumping a mile* internally and sometimes moving back/running away almost when someone came too close...
And I wondered...how come I am feeling down if I was feeling excited and alive an hour ago?
I was working in therapy yesterday about how I find it difficult to sustain aliveness and go into vulnerability because that's more 'familiar'.
So I thought hard and...
I realised that it is for sure to do with my body image, and how I feel ashamed of my body...
..but also I see now how it 'bears the scars'...
*I am still the height of your average 10 year old, and I am 35.
*I am about a stone underweight for my height (apparantly...I do have light bones)
*My ribs can be seen through my skin--there is NO fat there.
*I have to colour my hair frequently now to cover the increasing white hairs.
*I have very dark circles under my eyes.
*My skin is really dry.
*I ache and am tense.

It also bears the scars of being called
spas
beanshoot
weed
shrimp
brace face
etc...throughout my teenage years...

My body and all that it is and all that is has been feels really visible to others and that makes me feel ashamed...I feel like a ....old hag from fairy tales...
..when I should be a young maiden or a princess...

I also feel sad for my body...and wonder how I can nurture it now...

I am excited by these insights and have been skipping around the flat with my happiness....and am now tucking into a bowl of tofu, veg and noodles....

sorrel