ohh ....just like the old days ..when a friend talled me that its gonna be allright ..& talled me that thers nothing wrong with knowing that im wrong & that i need to change & do something right with my life ...

my problem started when i was about 16 years old ...i lost my mother ..& my father wasint the kind of man who is willing to take his & her place in the same time ...there ..i found my self alone ..with no parents ..to one to guide me ...no one to love me ...& i grow up in a bad neighbor hood ..& it was so easy for me to find the wrong side ...all the good people didnt understand me ...i wasint a strong kid or a cool person ....the only people who really was intrested in me were "the bad people " & it was the only side i felt that i belong to.....

now am 42 turning 25 in a few days ..& i did all kind of drugs ...& used to hang out with people who sells it & help them doin it ,& get payed for it ...doin deliverys ..carrying weapons & keeping them save with me for the next deall or somethings ..i almost got shot more than one time ....i used a gun a gainst others ...
& i dont really know what exactly that i am addicted to...i sniff alot of things ..& smokes alot of things .& swallo & drink too ...

i have turned so wrong ...long time ago ..& breaking away wont be easy ...& i think am gonna trun to worst person with time...

i dont say that am still doing all i say ....i try not to ...but when i dont have money to get my drugs ..i do things ."favors" ..i know those people are using me ...i know they do not care about me ..they only care about thiere business ....

the worst part of it is when i owe them ...it take alot to pay back ...
& lately i started to hate the person i became ....
i wanna make up my life again ...but my body is not helping me ..my body keeps on wanting those stuff ....stuff that i can only get by ways that humanity dosint have anything to do with it ...

my family knows that im in kind of trouble ..they think that i have a drinking problem ...or night clubs addiction issue ....if they knew about what is really goin on with me ....they will be shocked ...
i have lost more that 20 jobs till now ...i have a job now & i dont think i could keep till next week .....

there are things in life u cant feel ..u can only feel if u live it ....
my phone keeps on ringing ..& sometimes i dont wanna answer it ....

thanx alot for the sweet posts (knothead) & (cathrean)

PEACE