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I'm really glad that you wrote again, I had been wondering if you were okay. No matter how bad things seem at times, talking about it helps.
I don't think you are a bad person, no matter what you say. You feel bad about the things you are doing and know they are wrong. Plus it sounds as if you are really wanting to change your life. I think you realize that the people around you don't really care about you. Just like Starlite said, they know when you are feeling desperate and needy -- they just want your money and could care less what it is doing to you.
You mentioned that you sniff a lot of things -- that just by itself can really alter your perceptions and make things seem hopeless. I think you should reach out to your family and just ask for help. You've got a lot of things to overcome and you're going to need their support. I know it's scary having to admit that you're in over your head, but sometimes you just have to make yourself do it. You're right, they may be shocked at first but they'll get over it, that's what family is for, after all.
I hope you'll keep posting about this and continue to talk about it. Just don't give up, okay??
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" I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth. Please don't tell me that we had that conversation, 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?
Aahh, the night is calling, and it whispers to me softly, "Come and play". Aahh, I am falling, and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.
I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me, but why do I feel this party's over? No pain, inside, you're like perfection, but how do I feel this good sober?" (From the song "Sober", by Pink)
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