Thanks...

I had my SWEDA appointment today. I went and it was amazing... We did work on the flipchart so that I could see how backward my thinking is sometimes. It sure as hell worked and - for the first time in therapy ever - said truthfully; "I scare myself sometimes" Sian wrote that down then asked how I scae myself. I explained. I told her about Nancy, too. She said; "Just hearing that makes me feel like I've been shoved against the wall and flattened into it. What the hell is this woman doing??!! Picking on someone so young, so fragile and struggling so much?! How did you feel when she said it?"
"I believed it. Everything. I cried my eyes out for ages. I was angry. I felt like I'd been hammered into the ground, squashed into nothingness" <<<<<< First time I've ever said my true feelings too!!

We then got onto my Adoptive Family and the abuse etc... :-/ she said... "Although you say all this about the abuse and it really hurts me, I can just imagine how much it hurts you... I still get a sense that you'd go back if you could..."
I sat silent for a few moments...
"You're good! Hahaha. Yes. I do feel like going back if I could. I feel like I had it easy there. I didn't have the responsibilities I do now... I didn't have bills to pay, or rent, or food to buy and cook, or any of the.... I was about to say bullying... But actually, I did have bullying there!"
"Do you feel bitter about everything?"
"Oooh. I don't know. I'm not the bitter type... I don't like *****ing about people or being nasty, but I am nasty about them... I think of it as 'they were nasty to me, so I have every right to be nasty about them' Hm. No, I'm not bitter... I just feel angry and upset about it and need to vent that frustration about the fact that I can't be loved by them..."
"That makes sense. That's perfectly understandable... You just need to talk it out and feel better about YOU. Accept yourself..."

I know this, I hate it though.. I can't accept myself for who I am because of them not accepting me... I NEED to be accepted by them. I know that Sian says there will be a day when I can stop that need being there, but it seems like it'll never happen

I just love the way that we've clicked so easily and so well and we get on so well! She laughed at me when I said that I guess the reason I see everyone else as right, or saw everyone else in my Adoptive Family as right, was because they were adults"
She said "Kirsten, Sweetheart. Whether you're 56, 49, 27, 13 or whatever age... You're right or wrong. Adults are wrong sometimes, and the Children are right sometimes. In this case, you were the one in the right and she was in the wrong."

Hmmm. Something interesting to think about. Then she gave me homework... Eeeek! I had hoped she wouldn't ask me to do this...

"Okay, Kirsten. Can you do me a favour?"
"Sure thing!"
"Can you... Write me a diary of your thoughts and feelings every day..?"
"Mmmhmm"
"And a food diary."
Eeeeeeeek! I felt like screaming!
"Uhh. Yeah. I can try."
"It's just so that I can see the days when you do eat and don't eat and track them so we can figure out why you starved on a particular day."
"Oh right, okay. Well. Yeah. I can do that."

She also asked me to think about Shana and her "love" for me. She said that maybe Shana couldn't love. Maybe she just couldn't give love to anyone, not even her own kids... the reason she says not even her own kids is because her own kids do everything Shana wants so that they don't get on the wrong side of her. Which makes perfect sense. I'd never thought of this before. Maybe that's so... Sian did say she's not trying to excuse Shana's behaviour because what that "family" did was horrendous, but just trying to find a reason why Shana was the way she was---and still is.

It was a great session and I even took in what Sian said;
"Be kind to yourself today, buy yourself some bubblebath, eat a chocolate bar, relax for a bit. Do whatever to be kind to yourself, care for you.."
And did it. I ate a chocolate bar. I feel incredibly guilty for it, but I did it at least... Right?

But now.. My friend is going to end it I stopped her last night, pleaded with her to hold on until today and she did, but now she's giving up... What the hell do I do?? I texted her back, I PMed her, I wrote a thread about it on the other forum she's on... I can't do anymore, can I? I love her so much and I could never forgive myself if she gave up. *cries* I can't let her go. I can't let her die. She doesn't deserve to like she thinks she does... Who'll save her this time? All because of a f--king guy being a complete a--hole!!! Plus all the other stuff on top

I'm losing it.