I have forgotten what it is like to be sad without being severely depressed. I guess the drugs are working...(Lithium and Lamictal).

Of course after working nights for 5 years, and then moving to day shifts, maybe sleeping at night has prevented depression LOL

Being Bipolar II sucks. It sucks so much. It sucks that I am inherently "disordered". My very mind is wrong. I need to be drugged away forever. The majority of my life is normal me (euthymic). I hate having to be the drugged version of me, and basically kill the normal me to avoid the depression. The hypomania always comes at the end of a long severe depression, and really never gets any worse than a couple weeks of anxiety...and it has never caused me problems. (no, that is not just a manic delusion). Really, I haven't screwed anything up. I don't meet the stereotype of Bipolar.

The depressions come after HUGE life changing negative stressors. Like when my first fiance cheated on me with a 16 yr old in college. Or when I came within a few minutes of being raped (thank god a friend showed up and got me out of there). Or when my parents practically disowned me when I told them I wasn't going to med school, I wanted to go to nursing school instead.

No more kids for me I guess. Everything I read about bipolar says I need to have an empty shell of a life to have a "stable mood". (what does that feel like anyway? Drugged into a flat, artificial placidity?)Bedtime like a 5 year old, menial job that has no stimulation, having to have friends and family behave like jailers, ratting on your every good or bad day to your pdoc... and mood charts, because if you feel even remotely happy or sad, you have to report into pdoc to have it drugged away...because if you are bipolar every emotion you have is now interpreted as a mood episode.

My psych NP says I possess incredible insight and drive. (really!) So how come my disease is characterized by a lack of insight into one's behavior?
How come I don't act like a stereotypical Bipolar, laying waste to one's relationships, career, education, etc? I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs and I never have!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAH! ;(