I just got back from my therapy appointment. I went in with the idea of remaining calm and not rehashing or repeating my frustration with the physical touch issue. To be honest, I just feel depleted from my recent emotional outbursts and the whole repetitious cycle with my t. So I went in very subdued and quiet.

We did an introductory breathing exercise we always do to start our session. Then she told me that she'd gotten the impression from me that i think trauma processing is a waste of time. (I have no idea why she thought that.) I told her I don't think it's a waste of time, but the problem with it is that when we process, i get into a state of emotional overwhelm -- too much emotional pain -- and i have wanted her to physically comfort me to help make it bearable. When i don't get it, i feel horribly rejected and depressed. We talk it over. Things get better. But only until the next time we process and I get into too much pain again. Then I need comfort again, don't get it, and feel awful.

We talked about how frustrating this must be for me, and how it feels like a repetition of when i was a child in pain and couldn't get my needs met from mom. But rather than tell me that she'll work with me to get the physical comfort i need, she told me to think about an option: consider going to a different therapist she knows who does a therapy called "Somatic Experiencing." She told me she wasn't trained in it, and that she had to consider whether she had the skills to provide what i need. She told me she wasn't trying to get rid of me. She said I could go there and work with this other therapist for awhile, and then later come back to see her. But I still felt bad. It seems like she's out of ideas on what to do with me and doesn't think she can help me anymore. Now I feel so guilty for making an issue out of the physical comfort stuff. I feel like I've pushed her away.

The rest of the session, she talked about how I (adult me) needs to learn to provide comfort for my own internal little girl(s). She asked me if I ever tried to comfort myself that way. I told her Yes, I do that. But somehow, it just does not feel comforting. She reminded me that i'm able to show compassion for animals and people who are hurting, so she knows i have a part of me that is capable of nurturing.

I told her that yes, when i see an animal or a person hurting, i can easily feel that nurturing side of myself. But when i try to picture the hurt little girl part of me -- picture sitting near her and comforting her -- i just don't "feel" anything emotionally. I don't feel that readiness to want to comfort myself. I can follow through with the visualizations of giving that little girl a hug and speaking soothing things to her. But the child part of me does not feel any relief or warm fuzzies from it. And the adult me, while she is taking the necessary actions to comfort, it feels like she (I) am doing it out of a sense of duty, because it's the right thing to do. . .not because I'm actually feeling any true compassion for her.

She wants me to practice this week picturing the adult me with the child me and providing the comfort i need.

Between the suggestion of seeing a different therapist -- and the urging for me to take care of my own nurturing needs -- I'm pretty sure the message she is giving me is "No, I will not provide physical nurturing to the hurt little girl part of you. You need to do it for yourself."

Maybe she is right. i don't know HOW to help myself get that nurtured feeling inside. I really don't!!! Not having had it as a child, i am not even sure i know what it is supposed to feel like. As an adult, i do not have inside me what is needed to give to my little girl parts. I know my t is right that i must have a nurturing self in order to show compassion to animals and people in pain. But I swear, that "me" disappears whenever I go inside and picture the hurt parts of me.

How am i going to learn to give myself the comfort i need? I've tried and it does not work! I wish I'd never made an issue out wanting hugs from my t. I'm so afraid she is getting burned out and doesn't want to work with me anymore. I don't know if i can go to a different t. It has literally taken years to learn to trust this one.

I'm feeling really sick and scared right now.