So sorry you're going through this Amazonmom. It really isn't fair. And it's hard when you hear "Bipolar Disorder" and picture all those patients you cared for in nursing school during your psych rotation and the ones you still probably come into contact with. I am also Bipolar II and it does suck. It sucks that you have to change your life (going from night shift to day shift). I had to quit one job in an ER completely and go to family practice setting. I do have a bed time every night and when I neglect that bed time (as I have for the past 2 nights) I get cranky and "off." My drugs of choice are also Lamictal and Lithium. It sucks that you have to get blood work and can't take certain other meds and have to eat plenty of salt and all that. It's hard to be diagnosed with something that doesn't have a cure, only a hope of being contained for as long as possible before you have another inevitable "cycle." So, yeah.... I get it. It's a bad situation but like my T tells me, you're going through the grieving process. I have totally felt like you in the past, and still have days where I am angry at the world for my situation. But hang on through this feeling and you'll start seeing everything in a different light. I don't know when you were diagnosed, but it's traumatic to be a provider of healthcare and have your world shattered by having to be a consumer in that arena. It's absolutely demoralizing and humiliating and upsetting, but unfortunately it is what it is. As long as you want to be well, it's what you have to do. I'm sorry I don't have a way to make it better for you, just know you're not alone. I feel like our situations are extremely similar and really feel for you because it is a hard thing to go through. Hang in there!!!!!