Hi #####,
Where to start….first off, I feel like I was all over the place this past session. I probably confused you. I’m trying my best to sort through all of the information in my mind, trying to make sense of it. Some of it just doesn’t make sense right now.

It’s too overwhelming for me at times. I really tried to hold back this past session and then later thought why….why do I do that? I left session and cried my eyes out in the car, part hurt, part frustration. I felt totally disconnected from everyone…..... alone.

Maybe it’s not because I am embarrassed to cry in front of you. Maybe it’s because I have dealt with this on my own my whole life and I don’t know how to let people near that part of me. I don’t know how to let you near that part of me. I couldn’t even let my own mom see that part of me because I learned early on that she just wasn’t available.

I think I bring that to session with me; I fear that I will be a burden to you that you will grow weary of me. I feel like I have to protect myself and you from that. I realize I do that with people in my everyday life as well. That I have to protect them, not let them see that side of me because it may be too much for them. Just like it was too much for my mom, enough to not believe me. It makes me think I'm protecting myself, when in reality I’m not. It keeps me disconnected from people. I don’t want to keep going on like that.

One feeling I think of is anger. I don’t know how to express it, if anything it more upsets me. I love my mom, but I am so disappointed as well. I don’t know how she could allow what she did to her daughter; on top of that to not acknowledge it. I spent most my life protecting her, taking care of her. Yet, she couldn’t hear or respond to me or my needs. That is painful. What hurts me most now is that I can’t change it; I can’t change any of it.
I’m angry that even on her death bed, I tended to her but she never opened up to me, never really told me how she felt. It left me feeling like she didn’t really care for me. It makes me feel like I’m not worth caring for. Something I have felt much of my life, something that has caused me keep people at such a distance. I know that needs to change, I just don’t know how to do it.
I hope this makes sense because I am still trying to understand it myself.
########

Her response.....
########, Allowing your anger at your mom is a big part of validating your experience and moving on with your life, and paying attention to what you need- without protecting others first. It would be helpful if we could address your anger in session. Take care, #####

I totally understand what she is saying, the thing is, I don't show anger, I don't even know how to express it; when I am angry, I more want to cry. I don't even know how we could talk about it.