Hello, I'm new to the forum and I think I may be bipolar. My symptoms indicate bipolar, however they are not nearly as severe as most that have been diagnosed. I have never experienced psycosis (I don't think). I have an appointment with a pdoc next Thursday. Hoping for a diagnosis. I know that something is not right ... always have ... just don't know what it is because I function quite well, IMO anyway. First I want to add that I have very strong morals and beliefs ... which is why some of my past is hard to imagine it was me. I work, I'm a good mother and person(most of the time).

A little history (ok alot lol!) ...

I had a good mother growing up. My real father was not in the picture at all until I contacted him at 17. I learned very quickly that he was unstable, moody, very hot headed and disliked just about everyone (much like myself now at times). So I cut all ties and decided mom knew what she was doing when she kept me away from him. However, she was married (for 10 years) to someone that wasn't much better or maybe even worse than my biological father. He was verbally and physically abusive (not sexually). Very mean and it was as though he hated my brother and I who were not his. An instance that stands out like it was yesterday is one of the many times he beat my mother. When she tried to leave the house with us ... he chased us down and grabbed me by my shirt (nearly ripping it completely off of me) and put a 357 to my temple, swearing he would do it if she didn't come back in the house. I was 12. She finally left him after I moved out at 17 (because of him). I think maybe she felt she could if I wasn't there for him to hurt.

I moved in with my first boyfriend who was 6 years older than me. Lived with him for a little over 2 years. Never really happy of course (but then I don't think I ever have been). Then I ended up cheating on him, I don't know why cause I have very strong beliefs on this. Felt terribly guilty and left him with nothing but a "I'm not happy".

Moved back in with mom. I'm the oldest of 5 so they were all still home. By this age I'm pretty angry most of the time and didn't know why. I was left with the younger siblings often while mom worked. I would loose it with them so quickly and freak out. When I say freak out I mean to the extreme. My brother who was 15 at the time (rebellious himself) would get me so angry that we would physically fight in the middle of the house. My younger brother was a whiner and it really got under my skin. He was 10. I remember getting so mad at him once that I went into a rage. Picking up anything I could get my hands on and beating on everything around him with it screaming and cussing. I'm not sure if I hit him ... god I hope not. My poor little brother ... he was only 10. I have apologized to that baby so many times for that one thing. I feel terrible, I felt so out of control and angry.

So I moved out, working with this sales crew that traveled the US selling some kind of cleaning agent. I started smoking pot, but nothing else (yet). I was with yet another abusive man that I met on this traveling job. After about 3 months we came back home together and lived in a hotel for about 4 months. After he beat me pretty badly I severed ties with him. By this time I'm 21.

I didn't want to live with mom again. So I go were I think the money is. I started out just waiting tables at a gentlemen's club. Within 2 months, I'm stripping. I did that for about 7 months and tried every drug there is. This is also were I met my ex husband. After a year of marriage I learned that I was pregnant. Having had 2 miscarriages before (forgot to mention that). I was exstatic, but very nervous because of the miscarriages. All was well and we had our beautiful baby boy. However after having him I had the worst PP depression. It only lasted a week ... but I could do nothing but set in my rocking chair holding him staring into space and cry. It was a terrible feeling and I have never been THAT depressed since. Which is why I wonder whether it is bipolar.

My husband was an alcoholic ... but I was also as moody and hot headed as always. So we agreed that I needed something to calm my nerves. I get on zoloft. For the first week I was like a zombie ... then a seemingly sudden burst of energy. I stripped the wallpaper and painted the whole inside of the house in like 2 weeks. Staying up til like 3 every morning working on it. That subsided eventually. I never upped my dose on the zoloft and only too 50mg for the full 3 years. In that time I gained 40 lbs! Having NEVER been over weight in my life ... this made me miserable and I felt disgusting. Not to mention the non-existant sex drive. So I wiened myself off the med.

Shortly after quitting the zoloft ... I started working out again and lost the weight in like 4 months. Then I wanted to start going to friends houses to drink and have fun. My husband was pretty anti-social and didn't like being around people he didn't know (much like myself at times). So I went without him. I ended up getting drunk enough to cheat twice. I felt terrible I was completely paranoid. Thought if he found out that I would loose my son. So I left him. I was NOT happy with him either. Because of his dependency on alcohol. I felt so guilty about this because I am very much against infedelity ... I don't know what happened or why I did that.

So now over 2 years after my divorce ... I am with someone I've known since I was 15 from high school. We are okay for the most part ... but I still have my problems. I'm moody as ever and it causes big problems. I've never had the desire to cheat. In fact, we don't even drink at all. He satisfies me completely in every way. We both have children (4 all together) 3 of which we have all the time.

I am paranoid enough about him cheating though that I check up on him. Log into online accounts and such. I did catch him talking to and flirting with a women via email from work. I totally flipped out (understandably). Understand though in reading all the emails I could tell that there hadn't been anything physical (not to say it wouldn't have eventually happened) but I knew it hadn't yet. I was devestated. I called him at work and told him to come home now. I told him that if he lied about one detail I would beat the **** out of him. First rattle out of the box he says "We're just friends". So I did ... I went into "my rage" and beat him until my adrenaline wouldn't push the fury anymore. I even spent a week relentlessly searching for the woman's husband (of 14 years) so I could send him a copy of the emails. I called her and told her that I would kill her if she even breathed his name. After the rage passed we talked reasonably and tried to figure out why he needed that kind of interaction. He has ADD pretty badly and wasn't medicated for it. I don't know if these actions can be contributed to his condition ... but he is now medicated for it. AND we went to couple's therapy after this for about 3 months. Only to seperate for 2 weeks and get back together.

So now here we are ... I'm still scared to death he's going to screw around and check on him daily. I freak out if he's late coming home. I love this man with all my heart. We all make mistakes and I'm certain that he feels bad and learned his lesson. But I can't let things go. I have never been able to let things go. I harp on them for days and even months later if they are brought to my attention again.

OH AND ONE very important detail, is that I have 3 siblings on my bio dad's side. That I wasn't raised with and recently got up the nerve to call my half sister and ask her if there was mental illness in the family. Sure enough my grandmother was schizophrenic and all 3 of my siblings are bipolar 1. My dad has never been evaluated .. he has held to the old "nothing is wrong with me" thing all his life.

I know this has been terribly long. But if you read it through thank you so much. I just need some mental relief. My mind is so busy and loud. I am very aware of every little detail of my surroundings, which is sometimes disturbing to others and even myself. I avoid most social situations, and the littlest things send me into orbit. Do these traits sound like this could be bipolar?

Thanks again for reading