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Well last night was the end all be all. I said in a previous post that I had installed a spy program since H was going to be out of town. It may have been wrong but I just can't trust him. What I found when he came home was appalling. He was looking on craigslist for prostitutes in our area, he says just for the pictures but how can I believe that after all the other lies. Also found about 1000 porn sites and I honestly think he has a problem. I tell him all the time that I don't care about the porn but just to be honest that you need it and he always says that he's going to "prove to me" that he doesn't need it and swears on our children that he won't go to another online site. So as I was talking to him via messenger about not only going to the ER but if I ever caught him doing something inappropriate or lying again, no matter how big or small right now, I was done, he was looking at prostitutes.
So he got home and I confronted him. First he denied it, said that I was a B@!# for not believing him and that it was the guy he had to room with. Then he confessed but said that he was fine with me leaving because he didn't care. I explained that I loved him but I have realized that I don't NEED him and that I will always be there for him if he decides to get help for his anger and lying but that I couldn't live with him hurting me anymore. A couple hours later it was like a different husband, he was crying and telling me how much he needed me to help him get through this. He said that he would change, that he would do anything to have me in his life so I said that if he meant what he said and took the initiative to get help without me forcing him then I would consider a separation, if I can see that he's really trying to change we can work it out. He said we will split the bank account, that we can take turns with the kids, etc. but still kept begging me to stay.
Another few hours later and all of a sudden he had a huge meltdown in the car with my kids. I asked if he could watch them because I am supposed to go with my friend to look at an apartment and he said I was F*&@*(* selfish and don't think about anyone but myself because he had to weed the garden. He then jumped out of the car since we were at the store and left me to grab the kids. We get back outside and he starts yelling at me to get in the effing car. There are like 15 people in the parking lot and he's standing there screaming at me in front of them and my kids so I tried to be calm and just said "please don't talk to me like that in front of my children". All part of my plan to be a stronger person even though I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He screamed "I'll talk to you however I want to effing talk to you when you are being a B*@*!"
We got home and I called Jag and welfare because he started mumbling about how I will never get custody since I have never had a job, (we got married at 18), and that he was going to clear out our joint account and put it in his personal one. So, again trying to remain calm I asked him what was going on and why the sudden change in mood. He said that when I act like a B@&# and a C*&^, that I deserve to be treated like that." I asked him how he would feel if a man talked like that to our daughter and he said that maybe this will teach her not to act like a B^$*!
Anyways, point is I am so freaking scared. He's right about me never being on my own. I went from my mother taking care of me to him taking care of me. I have never even driven a car alone! I don't know how I am going to do this. I have absolutely nothing. Now I am a full time student, I am going to have to support three kids, and work and I don't know where to even begin. I love him but he's never going to change, ever, and I know it's not healthy for my children to be around him. I just feel like I want to die because I don't know how this is ever going to work. Not only am I financially dependent but emotionally. I have always been in relationships, I've always needed that person to come home to me at the end of the day. I have honestly never not had a man in my life. I just keep thinking that this is my fault. If I was prettier, or smarter, or more like the girls he goes after that we wouldn't be going through this because he would realize that I deserve better. He's always hanging out with these girls that look like playboy bunnies and having three kids has absolutely ruined my body and I feel like I am pretty plain looking as far as my other features. He's always telling me how worthless and lazy I am and that other men don't think I'm pretty but he loves me so he doesn't care that I am not attractive or that when we get money we will pay to "have me fixed by a surgeon". I just feel like nobody is ever going to love me again because I have three kids and the way I look and he always says that he's the only person that would put up with all my bs. I am so scared that he's right and that I can't make it on my own. I don't know if he ever really loved me but what if I leave and it's only worse? What if I can't make it or I ruin my children? Worse yet, what if he gets custody and moves back to VA with them which is his plan? What if I can't handle being alone? I have no idea where to go from here.
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