Hi Phoenix
Thanks for the invite, your my first friend
Sorry for for not posting sooner but there was an extenuating circumstance.
I started to write to your thread All Triggery again, and up popped an email from my sister, (the one who gave that link to the PTSD page). I went to her house last summer after several years of estrangement proclaiming “I want my sister back”. She's the only one left alive that really knew me before the robbery changed me. I had hoped that she could help me validate some of my recollections of the way I was (It's been so long). Instead, she went into kind of a stewed rage condemning our old neighbourhood and our family for a variety of reasons. By the time I left her house I was relieved just to know that my feelings were still intact. I thought: Boy she hates everybody. That's not the sister I remember. Anyway I did manage to get her to exchange several emails over the following months. With one in particular I thought: She hates me, I don't know why, I guess that's it, I guess she wasn't the person that I thought she was after all. After a while she sent another email explaining that she had too many things building up for too long and she needed to vent.
In this last email she told me that somewhere between grade one and two she was molested by a neighbour. She didn't go into details about what happened, but she did go into details about what it did to her emotionally (That's the most important part). That was over a half a century ago and I'm only just finding out about it now. I think she has P.M.G.D. post molested guilt disorder, don't Google that I just made it up. So... I thought I should respond to her quickly to show my understanding and support, that took quite a bit of thought. So that's my excuse, oh and also, I was in car accident which screwed up shoulder (Typing slowly) and my wife just got laid of from her job, and it's that time of the month for her so she needed some consoling.

I've missed five funerals because I was too scared to go. I convinced myself that I was so insignificant that they wouldn't really notice anyway. I shouldn't feel guilty because it wasn't my fault, but I still do. And then there was that one funeral that I didn't even know about, because I couldn't stay friends with a true friend. Sometimes life just sucks.

I used to think that little boy was dead. I blanked out my childhood. Every time I tried to remember I'd get that cold empty aching pain in stomach like hearing a friend had died. So I stopped remembering, it hurt too much.
As it turned out he wasn't dead at all, just misplaced, disconnected, like a broken wire, or a little broken line of computer code, access denied.

Looking back, there was only one major difference between that little boy and his feeble replacement. That little boy was so confident. He'd just plunk himself down beside a grumpy old man and ask: Why are you so grumpy? You should smile more. Like this. And then he'd give him a smiley example. Most often the mood would break and he'd get a smile in return and a pat on the head. His confidence always overcame his fear. When it came to bullies, he hated seeing his friends get picked on and he'd stand up to anybody, it didn't matter how big or how old.
The replacement could still run just as fast and jump just as high (When nobody was paying attention). But he had to avoid the people that expected that confident smile because he couldn't do it, his smile was kind of scared and shaky. He had to depend on other people to fight his battles because he was easily intimidated.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just press a reset button and reboot our broken emotions.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone were as thoughtful and caring as you.

Be patient Phoenix
it takes time