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Originally Posted by Beautiful_Disaster
Thank you all for reading. Wow that was alot to read through. I am actually excited about my appointment. I am ready to get some of the things off my chest that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. I'm hoping he can shed some light on some of my emotions and behaviors.
Cutting alcohol COMPLETELY out of my life has made a huge difference. I turn into Satan's little spawn when I'm intoxicated.
I also have these strange thoughts ... unwanted ones. For instance ... one of the ladies that I clean for is the sweetest person I've ever met. We talk every time I'm there ... she gives me advice like my mother would. But sometimes when I'm feeling what I think may be manic (busy minded). While she's talking I will imagine/think about what would happen if I were to hit her in the face. Sounds absolutely ridiculous. But I think about it and it is almost an overwhelming urge to actually do it. She's JUST talking normal tone and my mind just wonders. I actually have to "shake it off" and get back into the conversation and it will eventually go away. Sometimes I can "hum" or "sing" those unwanted thoughts away. It's really strange and bothersome. I have told NO ONE about these. That's what I meant by I don't "think" I've had psychosis. What would that be exactly? ... they are disturbing.
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I really feel comfortable here.
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Yeah I get that too......stress often makes it worse. Mine are a little more violent, like putting my fist through their face while we talk about the weather. The problem was, I visualised it while talking to them. It would come from nowhere. Terrifying. I have a rage problem from years ago and was violent. So don't know if it is from that or bipolar or anything else. I prefer to look at my rage as independent. It deserves a box all on its own.
As long as you don't act on it, you'll be right. Once you get help it will start to resolve itself. I had to leave my job when dx because I wanted to destroy some people that were causing problems at work. As soon as these visualisations started, I knew something big was coming. I am a very patient, tolerant person usually but these little nasties come from something else.
Good luck sweetie.......
