wow, I feel like I could have written a lot of your post myself. Right now I'm on a bit of a roller coaster, where I can be guaranteed 4-5 good days, 2-3 bad days, 4-5 good days, etc... No matter how many times I come out of a funk, I am still convinced whenever I do hit a low that this is it, I'm going to be low FOREVER.

I didn't want to tell my counsellor that I was feeling low again after my meds kicked in and I'd been having a few really good weeks. I was afraid she'd be disappointed somehow, that maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough, that she'd be annoyed that all the progress she'd made with me had flown right out the window. But counsellors are actually more used to our ups and downs than you think, and mine is working with me now on managing my lows, postponing them when I feel them on, and finding new ways to haul myself back out into the light. I'm not sure, but I get the feeling that it's a little easier than the time before to get out of those funks, and I draw hope from that. I'm also more honest with my counsellor about how I'm feeling at any given time so that we can more accurately monitor my meds -- sometimes a low mood after a good stretch might just mean you need a bit of an adjustment to what you're taking now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how many times you start going downhill, it's never going to be impossible for you to get back up. Maybe instead of looking at your life as "doomed to be depressed" you are simply going to have to spend some time managing your depression when it comes along. Try not to put any pressure on yourself to get better. Just keep trying to make it through the bad days by remembering it's not going to be a permanent state of being, and take full advantage of the good days when you have them. Maybe with time your good stretches will start outnumbering your bad ones.