LionKing asked Malady to weigh in ...
I most certainly did, thank you for taking the time to respond....
When I am truely looking for advice with something in my life I like to get an ecclectic group of opinions. we all bring different experiences, education & perspectives to issues & you never know where an apiphany or an "uh-hah moment will come from.

Sometimes an out of the box approach can provide that & Mal you can definantly provide that...
I mean that in the best possible way

honestly it believes #5 to be the best option here.
Your wife needs to stop egging him on (whether she means to or not, she needs to recognize HE sees it that way -- you may need to have a CALM, LOGICAL heart-to-heart with her to get her to see this, including sharing some painful feelings with her about how it affects you)
While I know & completely believe their is no intention to egg him on...I believe in his warped sense see's it that way.
Sending jokes to people doesn't have any kind of painful feelings for me as far as feeling she's doing something wrong by me...
But it is definantly a good idea to NOT send him anymore messages...

all contact that he has with us goes through me.
and needs to be the one to tell him stop showing inappropriate attention.
That's why I presented this as an option. While I can hash it out man to man with him..I just get a "vibe" he may take that as I am "threatened" & may actually have the opposite affect than what we are looking for.
Otherwise it becomes a big game at your expense. If your wife needs more sexual and/or other types of affectionate "attentions" she should get it from you,

I don't believe an exchange of jokes is a plea for sexual attention but umm....I'm always game...But..ehm...since we hashed out or issues in the fall I can't imagine when we could fit in more time than we do for this....Unless....we could send the grimlins to summer camp
and you also need to open a dialogue with her (and be willing to listen and remember this would be about how she feels not about judging you) so she can describe what she feels (if anything) she's "missing" in your relationship.
I don't think she's missing anything...wait..doof..what am I saying...
she must be missing more sex
On the flip side you do need to be aware especially as we ladies get older it really means a great deal to have men outside the marriage indicate that they find us attractive (without "coming on" to us).
I have no problem understanding this. it doesn't bother me if someone expresses ummm notice of her.
This crossed a boundary though..

Besides, BC always accuses me of being a natural flirt...
I don't see it... but it's not the first time I've heard that.
I guess when a large portion of the people you know say that...
then their must be something to it. i don't see it, but it must be there, somewhere
It bes a self-esteem thing, and only coming from hubby too easy to dismiss with "well of course, because he loves me he says this.
This makes sense...
" That being said you do need to give a little space for that to happen in a friendly, non-invasive way, maybe allow for a comment or two from others expressing appreciation for her attractiveness or appeal that don't cross that line into feeling invasive or pushy (i.e. sexually aggressive).
yeah that's fine but this was more to the invasive pushy side &
I want to blow him up
You and wifey need to talk, talk, TALK together to establish where the boundaries exist for you both on that sort of thing, and before either of you do any of the above you both need to commit to doing it all from a mature and calm perspective -- if that means getting a couples counsellor
Couples counsiling...ohh Goddess no I can't deal with any more "and how does that make you feel"sessions
I don't think this guy freaking out is a sign that WE need counsling
to mediate and help you find that ability then by all means find one,
meditation is always a good thing
because most humans cannot be calm and mature with emotions running high and insecurities all stirred up,
I can be one of those human's
Not from a standpoint of our relationship...but I am concerned about that if I confront this guy...I can start off with good intentions but all it would take is one snarky glare & then

Thank you very much for your perspective glaring back from the abyss

LK