is there ANY WAY i can control who goes to therapy tomorrow?

Teen totally took my sessions last week. I know T LOVES teen, and I thought she hated him, but apparently not. Although she is very very very very open about her criticism of him, his office decor, his "therapist speak" etc. He loves her anyway.

She has wanted our ears pierced for a long time. *I* could care less if they are pierced - I mean, I wear birkenstocks and jeans EVERY DAY of my life (unless i have a funeral or something!). But we got them pierced today. I just realized writing on the PT board that maybe by giving her a little of what she wants, she won't SI.

BUT! She's taken over therapy, she has her ears pierced. *I* need to go to therapy tomorrow. I had a bad, bad, bad, bad scary memory on Friday and I don't want to sit with it. It keeps popping into my head. I am in a rock band and while I was playing the drums on a really hard song last night *BAM* there it was, in my head, in the middle of my drumming ?! I can't have that. I want it to go away.

I have anxiety and insomnia and already feel really switchy. she is pushing at me. there is NO WAY she will tell T tomorrow about this memory. not a chance. and then when she wants to, she'll leave, and i'll still be sitting here with it. thinking about that makes me feel queasy.

I e-mailed T yesterday and said something about wanting ME, grown up treehouse, to come to therapy on monday. He said something about telling myself that that's what *I* want. But not all of me wants that. These days there is almost a scramble of parts wanting to be heard, and to be with T. *I* want to get to go.

Do I have a choice? I'm scared I don't. I don't think my ear piercing bribe is working. I mean, come on, I pierced my ears!!!!!! Can't I go to T?

And it's a 90 minute session. I want to go. But i'm already halfgone.

ideas? please?