you didn't mention if you have a therapist. if you do, i believe your question would be a good thing to discuss in a session.
as for not remembering everything and it causing depression, that's another good topic for therapy.
sometimes our mind doesn't reveal everything for a good reason. i was told to let it go unless it surfaced. like don't project what the outcome might have been. hope this helps.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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